Progress? Frogress

This is going to be an out-there blog post.  It’s going to deal with handling progress, or visually lack there of, and personal feelings.
So i’ve struggled and slowwwwlllyyy been able to up weights for most of my fitness journey.  About 3 months ago or 4? now I hit 114lbs on the scale.  A mix of muscle and some added ‘fluff.’  I’m not fat by any means however my body fat percentage is higher than it used to be for sure.  I was stuck at 105lbs last year for most of the year and struggled so hard.  Now, at 114lbs I find myself continuously progressing, getting stronger, hitting higher weights.  I know my diet isn’t clean and it’s honestly quite very dirty…  Something I need to work on but man why is bad food so good.
I’m currently feeling ‘thick.’   I feel like i’m in an ugly stage of you-probably-can’t-tell-I-work-out and i’m-not-attractively-skinny.  (Attractively as in like… lean.  Picture fitness models in a healthy lean stage, not competing.)
I’m torn between should I lose weight or stay in this sweet spot where i’m bulking, but feel bad about myself because I don’t like how I look.

If you guys don’t follow me on Instagram at all, I recently hit a 175lb squat.  There’s a video posted up one at 175lbs, and one at 165lbs.  There was a 20lb PR hit that same night.  My previous PR was 155.  I will say (and this should be obvious to anyone that truly knowworking out and weight training.)  the 175 is sloppy.  I’m shaky, you can tell i’m hesitant and afraid, and I could not hit depth.  My 165 is fine.  But 175 was definitely sloppy, I didn’t feel I had the proper strength in my lower back to go at least 90 degrees, so I didn’t because it didn’t feel stable or safe for me to.  I’ll push myself real hard and wanna lift as heavy as I possibly can, but I will never do anything I don’t feel is safe and may cause injury to myself.  I know a lot of people push themselves but I listen to my body 110000% and will never do anything to jeopardize my progress rate lol.  I’m impatient enough as it is.  My instagram is linked to my blog, but if you need a link its instagram.com/chelseaxlynntm
I actually have a bit of a temper and have a 0 tolerance for bullshit.  So soon after my 175lb video was posted some dimwit commented on it saying that’s not even a textbook squat (solely because I didn’t hit 90degree depth) and complaining about my spotters way of spotting.  lol….checked out his page and hes laying in bed with a dumbbell next to himself kissing it.  lol.  Wat.

Justin was primarily trying to get me to hit depth but I wasn’t about it lol.  But I know him enough to know he would never let me get hurt and obviously I trust him that he wouldn’t let me fall.  What you can’t see due to the time limits, is I wait until he gets his ass over and positioned before I really step back in the first place off the rack lol.  175 is HEAVY.  Keep in mind i’m shy of 5’2″, I have a 23″ waist, and I currently weigh 114… I started weight lifting at 94lbs and I wasn’t even anorexic, I was skinny fat at that weight.

^ Too much justifying but then again some people still need to be educated lol…  I don’t exactly consider myself a powerlifter because the true definition is: “is a strength sport that consists of three attempts at maximal weight on three lifts: squat, bench press, and deadlift.”  But I do like to hit my absolute MAX on everything I work out now a days.  I find more enjoyment in my lifting whenever I go for PRs and going as heavy as I can go.  I don’t do them in threes… I always do at least once and just listen to my body from there.

I’d also like to shout out Justin’s pre-workout called Muscle Man.  It has 4 out of 5 stars on Amazon and is currently selling for $35.97 with prime shipping.  I’ve only used it twice, but both times I hit a new PR and it ‘woke me up.’  My current pre-workout doesn’t do that.  On the night I hit 165 then 175, I did not want to work out.  Mentally I did, but physically I just wasn’t even there.  Some how 115 was feeling really heavy and after some of the pre workout and another set of squats, I was ready and felt ‘safe’ to go heavier.  Not sure if that was all mental but i’d like to think it was this pre-workout because usually that never happens.  When weight feels heavy it usually stays feeling heavy.

Just sharing with you all my current progress and dilemmas.  I’ve been in kind of a rut lately with not having that drive to go work out.  It could be a mix of lack of drive and also my mattress has been hurting my back… got a new mattress pad and already used it for one night but we’ll see if it keeps improving.  Also having some personal life crap going on that is nothing short of a mess fest.

Anyway, Goodnight everyone and hope you’re all doing well and staying safe!

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